Man what a day, just when I thought things were on the up…I was soooo fucking diligent with the water consumption and still I failed. Without boring you with similar details to yesterday, simply know that I arrived for my treatment at 12 with the same quantities as yesterday plus the additional 1.5 litres consumed between Suffolk and Bangalow leaving 45 minutes for drainage into the bladder.
Arriving right on time, thanks to chauffeur Chez, I was naturally dead keen to be bladder tested and pounced on the first nurse who dared glimpse at me. Unfortunately nurse Jodie drew the short straw as I bossily pleaded to be tested – immediately. As she applied the gooey gel to my not-quite-public region, I bored her with the minutiae details of my water consumption diligence, willing both her and the ultra sound machine to reveal a successful result. Unbelievably it didn’t. I seriously was gob smacked. What more could I do? Jodie sympathetically suggested I return to the waiting room and give it another 15 mins and if possible drink a bit more water. This preparation process was fast becoming torture.
True to her word Jodie returned to repeat the process and again I returned to the waiting game – this time thankfully no further drinking was required.
Meantime Miss Chez kept me completely entertained as she drew upon her decades of being in theatre and made me laugh a lot at nothing and a lot more at the bizarre-ness of the current situation. As our laughter subsided chez noticed the colour drain from my face and asked if I was ok? Hmm, no not really. I’m feeling light headed and a bit vague. Next thing nurse Stevie is in front of me asking the same thing and I realise the symptoms have increased. Stevie dashes to get the blood pressure thingy and upon return sees that I might need to get horizontal fast. A quick wheel chair ride to the closest bed finds my colour return but BP a bit low. However my BP being a bit low appears to be my new normal. It’s concluded my water logged state combined with the predicted symptomatic diarrhoea has depleted me of electrolytes, it is also the reason my bladder refused to fill up. My body is in a constant state of fluid loss and whilst I have excelled at maintaining hydration, theres no excess to go direct to the bladder, my body is using every drop for itself. Farrrk. ‘They’ also discover I have a very different shaped bladder… It’s portrait rather than landscape and takes longer to fill. Of course it does. Eye roll.
By this time, I have a team of people standing around the bed asking me the intimate details of my bowel movements; are you going more than 5 times a day? Shit yeah, isn’t that the new normal? Is it clear diarrhoea? What’s the texture? How much is blood, is it fresh and red? Oh come on, can we please reduce the team size? I’ve only just met some of you and whilst I’m happy to share my pooh history, I’m not quite ready to tell the whole unit all at once.
Kin, Dr Ooh la la’s new registrar – good bye Rodriguez, it was nice knowing you – calls the shots and prescribes Gastro-stop to ease the diarrhoea and a saline drip to replace the lost salts. Wait. How long is this gonna take? An hour. But can’t I simply take hydralite at home? Yes. But this will be immediately effective and we can take some more bloods at the same time. Hmm, I think Kin needs to work on her sales pitch.
By this point Chez and I have spent 2.5 hours for something that was meant to take 30 mins max. Chez was amazing and was perfectly ok with hanging for another hour. And get this, Chez is a full time carer for her 90 year old live-in mother and Fridays are her day off when she has respite help fill in for her. And she chooses to spend her only day off, caring for me! I shake my head in absolute amazement.
Before the drip and bloods are sorted the team establish that my ‘unique’ AKA problematic bladder is good to go and I finally get my daily nuking. Apparently from this day forward the tester needs to adjust my bladder readings to 250/300mls instead of the torturous 350/400 for regular folks.
Farrrk, what a week. I dread to think what next week will offer.
Thanks so much Chezza for being an absolute star xx And to Vic for handing over the car-kit baton.